Episode 42: Zooming In on Grief and Loss Part 2 with Jen Zamparelli

Melissa’s husband, Josh Milner, who supported everyone and gave unconditional love.

“We all need a Josh in our lives.” - Jen Zamparelli

Transcript:

(transcribed by kayla.r.fainer@gmail.com)

Melissa Milner  00:09

Hi, this is Melissa Milner. Welcome to The Teacher As... podcast. The goal of this weekly podcast is to help you explore your passions and learn from others in education and beyond to better your teaching. The Teacher As... podcast will highlight innovative practices and uncommon parallels in education. 

So this week, I want to share a really unique opportunity that I had to be on not just a radio show, but a radio show in Ireland. So what happened-- it's just crazy. What happened was, when Josh passed, my students wrote amazing cards to me. And they just were also beautiful. 

And I chose one that had just a very clear picture of me on the ground and Mr. Milner, Josh, in the clouds. And there was a string from me to him or from him to me. And it was just so beautiful. And I decided to share it. Because I'm not the only one who's dealing with grief. And I thought maybe it would help, and it certainly helped me. 

So I shared it on Twitter. I think I shared on Instagram as well. But on Twitter, it went viral. It was kind of insane. Because at the time, I had my notifications on and my volume on my phone on because I was waiting for calls from the funeral home and so on. And all of a sudden, it was like-- 

[MAKING BEEPING SOUND] 

My phone was on fire. So I called my friend and social media guru, Amy Malkoff, and said, how do I make my phone shut up? So she obviously explained that I should probably turn the notifications off. And then we watched it just go viral. I received an email from a local TV station, but I just was not ready to talk about it. 

And then through my website, I received an email from the amazing Anita Ward, who I now consider a lifelong friend. She is amazing. She was the radio producer for the Jen Zamparelli Radio Show. So Anita writes me that she saw, of course, the viral tweet that went all over the world. She was very touched. And on the radio show that she produces, they talk about grief a lot. And would I be interested in being on the show? 

She was extremely respectful. I told her I was not in any way, shape, or form in the shape to do such a thing. And would she be willing to wait? Because of course, I'm very interested in being on the show. And she was so patient. We had to reschedule a couple times due to issues on her end. 

And then early morning on Memorial Day, we recorded the interview, very strange to be talking to a superstar. Jen Zamparelli is a superstar over in Ireland. So to be talking to a superstar on my iPhone, it was surreal to say the least. 

But she was so warm and so easy to talk to. You'll hear in the interview. She's just salt of the earth type of gal. It was emotional, of course, but I'm really glad I did it. And again, I want to thank Anita Ward for being so patient. But I got the email that it aired this morning. Josh passed on February 22nd. And here we are on June 22nd is when they aired it. So that's pretty wild. 

This episode is just me sharing the radio show with you. I also want to say you might want to check out some of Jen Zamparelli's-- if you just go on YouTube and look her up, she's hysterical and she's fantastic. 

And also before I play the interview, I do want to recommend Nora McInerny's podcast and her TED Talk. She's very funny, and very real, and has gone through tremendous grief all in a very short period of time. And I believe it was 2014, she really decided that she was going to push forward, and share her process, and share her experiences. And I'm so glad she did. 

So her TED Talk is on YouTube. It's Nora McInerny, M-C-I-N-E-R-N-Y. And then her podcast is Terrible, Thanks For Asking. She's really great. So I do recommend that. And if you're listening, Nora, I would love to have you on The Teacher As..., but you're probably not listening. Alright, so I am moving forward. But Josh is always with me. And that is it before I start crying again. 

Enjoy this Irish talk show interview that I did.

Jennifer Zamparelli  05:07

Jennifer Zamparelli, 2FM. Good morning. Now it is time to go to our first caller of the day. And I'm delighted to have Melissa Milner on the line all the way from Massachusetts. Good morning. 

Melissa Milner  05:18

Good morning, Jen. Is it Jen or Jennifer? 

Jennifer Zamparelli  05:21

You can call me Jen. Listen, you can call me whatever you like. I'm so delighted to have you on the line all the way from Massachusetts. People call me Jen. And it's lovely to have you, Melissa, on the line. Can I start by asking how you're doing? 

Melissa Milner  05:33

You know, I'm doing much better now. It's day by day. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  05:37

So just to let the listener know, you lost your husband, Josh, suddenly in February of this year. I'm so sorry for your loss. But can you talk about, what is it like to lose someone you love so suddenly? 

Melissa Milner  05:52

In the beginning, you're just in a haze. I can talk about it now much more clearly. That's why I waited to be on. Because I needed some distance to see how grief works. In many ways, it's better now than it was in February when it happened. And in some ways, it's worse. Because things are sinking in much more. And so now I'm aware that he's not coming back. 

Because I think your brain plays tricks on you. And you're like, oh, he's just on a business trip. He'll be back. And you don't really realize it. And so that's the thing with it being sudden is you don't have your brain. I'm not a brain scientist. But your brain doesn't have time to really process and have that closure and understanding. And it takes time for that. 

So I'm now in that process where it's like, okay, I'm awake. I'm aware. I'm thankful for what I have. I'm grateful. But yeah, he's not coming back. And it really sucks. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  05:53

Yeah, it's funny. You told me about the different stages of grief. We talk about grief quite a bit on the show. And it's the long game, isn't it? It never goes. It's different phases of grief as your life moves on. Can you tell me a bit about him? 

Melissa Milner  07:13

Oh, Josh? Oh my goodness, now I'm gonna cry. He was the most supportive person I ever met. It didn't matter what was going on. He always supported me, unconditional love. He was the type of person that solved your problems. So at work or at home, my family would call him when they needed to figure out their iPhone. 

At work, people would be like, I can't get this to work. I've been spending three days on this. And Josh would be, "give me 45 minutes." And he'd have it fixed. And they'd be like, wow! And to him, it was like, it's not that big of a deal. He worked in social services early in his life. He worked as an EMT. He just always wanted to help people. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  08:08

Yep, he sounds unreal, a real fixer. We all need a Josh in our lives. And you, you're an elementary school teacher over there? 

Melissa Milner  08:19

Yeah. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  08:20

What age group are the kids in your class? 

Melissa Milner  08:23

So I teach fourth grade, so 9 and 10 basically. But they're awesome. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  08:30

Well, the reason I wanted to talk to you about the kids is because when Josh died, obviously you needed some time off. But these kids, your students, wanted to send you their love. Can you describe the card they made for you? 

Melissa Milner  08:45

Yes. So my co-teacher, who's amazing - Tricia Piacentini, shout out - she was just amazing, holding down the fort while I was out. I hope every teacher in a sudden situation like this has that kind of support. 

But she read a book to them basically about how there's a string that you really are attached to that person who's passed on. It was a book about grief. So she read that to them, and then they did some cards to me. And I mean, these cards ran the gamut to just kids saying they're sorry that it happened. Because I talked about Mr. Milner a lot. So they were at least aware of him and how close I was with him. 

But many of them drew the pictures with the string that I attached to him and things like that. And some kids were just like, I miss you. They ran the gamut. They were very sweet and made a big difference for me. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  09:44

How did you feel when you saw them? 

Melissa Milner  09:46

Well, along with those, I was getting all the sympathy cards, and the flowers, and the chicken soup sent to my door. And it was just the outpouring from everybody, there was so much support. And again, I hope anybody going through that has that kind of support system. I can't imagine getting through it without that. Yeah, it was amazing. So yeah, lots of crying. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  10:11

Yes. Let it out. And just talking about your support system, it sounds like you have just amazing people around you. And thank God, because it's something nobody should go through by themself. In fact, just talking about it now, this story has been covered as far away as India. It went viral. Why do you think it went so viral? I mean, it's been liked by over 589,000 people. 

Melissa Milner  10:37

I know.

Jennifer Zamparelli  10:38

Why do you think that is, Melissa? 

Melissa Milner  10:41

Because it's universal. The language doesn't matter. And we all deal with grief. And we all hope that there's that string, you know? We all hope. We don't know. But that hope, I think that gets us through and out of the mouths of babes, a lot of people wrote in their comments. The purity of a child's mind and thoughts is just so touching. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  11:08

But do you think it's important, because we had this conversation a while ago, it's important to discuss grief and death being part of life. Because we all go through it. And just those 9 and 10 year olds having such a great concept now of it that when they go through it, they'll be able to maybe handle it a little bit better. Do you think it's important to sit down with kids, and explain, and discuss grief openly? 

Melissa Milner  11:36

Yeah. I know that my co-teacher did that. But when I came back, my goal was to model how you just keep going, seeing that you do move on, but you don't forget that person. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  11:48

Absolutely. 

Melissa Milner  11:49

That was sort of what I'm trying to model. Because I don't need to be bawling in the classroom, talking about grief. I talk about it, though, in the podcast. So my first podcast back was all about grief and me talking to the audience about it. And then I had Dr. Paul Coleman. And his book is Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces. And then it's all about the stages of grief. 

And the biggest one for me is just acceptance. And it doesn't mean you're not sad anymore, but sort of. It's really hard to just say, you know what? I accept my situation as it is. I accept how I am reacting to the situation. And then I accept how other people are reacting to the situation. 

Everybody handles grief differently. That acceptance was like a huge, huge piece for me to be able to have inner peace. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  12:41

Absolutely. Well, first of all, your students must adore you. And you clearly love being a teacher. This podcast is a really important one for everybody. Is it called The Teacher As...? Is that what it's called? 

Melissa Milner  12:53

Yes. So it's called The Teacher As... Because sometimes it's just educators coming on. But sometimes it's The Teacher As... Fireman, The Teacher As... Negotiator. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  13:06

Was it therapeutic for you doing this podcast? 

Melissa Milner  13:08

It's been very therapeutic. I already had it in place. When the pandemic started, I'd been wanting to do a podcast. So I'm like, you know what? There's no better time than right now. I'm home. I had to learn how to do it. Yeah. So I took about a month off after Josh's passing. 

I was avoiding coming back and actually talking to the audience. I was fine. I'm like, oh, I'll just throw up some interviews that I've already done and already in the can. I had the interview with Dr. Paul Coleman ready to go. 

I'm like, I have to do the intro, and I have to talk directly about what has happened. And I was avoiding it, because I do ugly cry. Thank God it's not videos. Oh my goodness, with the crumpled up face. 

So it was one of those situations where I'm like, you know what? Suck it up. And talk to your audience about what you've been through and that you're moving on, but you'll never forget him. And he is with me every day. He set up this podcast website. He was supportive. 

He never said, why do you want to do a podcast? And he never questioned that I'd be able to do it. So it's really just in honor of him to keep it going. And it's a great creative outlet for me, especially the editing process is really fun. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  14:28

Well, I'm sure he is very, very proud of you and all that you do. And I just want to take this opportunity to thank you for coming on the show, on our little show in Ireland. You're amazing, Melissa, and you speak so lovingly about him. And it was just gorgeous to chat to you. And I wish you the very best of luck in all you do, okay? 

Melissa Milner  14:47

Thank you so much, Jen. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  14:48

Thanks, Melissa. Bye.

Melissa Milner  14:50

Bye, bye. 

Jennifer Zamparelli  14:50

Bye, love. 

Melissa Milner  14:52

If you enjoyed this episode, and have not done so already, please hit the subscribe button for The Teacher As... podcast so you can get future episodes. I would love for you to leave a review and a rating, as well, if you have time. For my blog, transcripts of this episode and links to any resources mentioned, visit my website at www.theteacheras.com. You can reach me on Twitter and Instagram @melissabmilner. And I hope you check out The Teacher As... Facebook page for episode updates. 

I am sending a special thanks to Linda and Lester Fleishman, my mom and dad, for being so supportive. They are the voices you hear in the Zooming In soundbite. And my dad composed and performed the background music you are listening to right now. My intro music was "Upbeat Party" by Scott Holmes. 

So what are you zooming in on? I would love to hear from you. My hope is that we all share what we are doing in the classroom in order to teach, remind, affirm and inspire each other. Thanks for listening. And that's a wrap!